mr polka dots!

i found myself a new love.

PEEK-TURES!

okay okay. picture time!






this is coffeebean at expo where its so far away from the bloody mrt station. and i got lost.


nurul and i. she was the photographer for the day.


me in all my glory.
and if you can't see the picture.
please click on it or something.
and you'll see how good my cappucinos are.
and i still dont know how to spell it until now.


pamela with my drink.
my drink was the only one being taken so many times.
i know they love it.
and i know my ego is getting huge.

i'm still happy. and i'm still smiling. because even though i didn't get in. i did good.

i'd like to say thank you again!
for all the people who supported me.
now i sound like i jsut won the grammys.
but that will be soon la.
like a few more years down the road.

let me post my favourite picture of the month okay?

the WONDERS.

okay. lets get on with this since i haven't been blogging for so many days.

here comes the ultimate high of the whole month.
I GOT THE SECOND HIGHEST SCORE OF BARISTA OLYMPICS!

for those who have no idea what it is. you have to make 12 drinks in 14 mins.
4 espressos.
4 cappucinos.
4 signature drinks.

and i happily exceeded the timing. by 2 mins and 2 seconds.
but who cares.
i'm a happy girl. because they liked my signature drink that i worked so hard on. and to think that i was going to give up last min.


many thanks to some people.

dunfu for the passionfruit idea that he keeps insisting. and following me to get all my stuff. and to print my menu. and calm my nerves. thank yo!

my coffeebean brothers. thanks for wishing me luck.

ross. jolynn, richard. for guiding me and teaching me skills that got me this far.

rick, nurul and jaime. thanks for coming down to support me.

and all those who prayed for me. thank you too.

i think my ego is too big to continue any further.
pictures will come up soon.

I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.

let claire do the talking.

DROOL WORTHY.

he's the man i wanna marry.
and make the cutest babies.

PAINT MY HEART BLACK

my group is making me laugh now.
thank God for them.

three cheers for lesbian porn.

EMOTIONAL OVERDRIVE.

okay.
i feel worse and worse and time passes by.

i've yet to come up with my menu.
so lord help me.
i'm going to go down miserably on wednesday.

YOU SWING SIDE ALONG SIDE.

you're a sickening son of a bitch.
i would want to insult your mother cause she's really nice to me.
but thats what you are.
i'm seething with so much of anger that its not even funny.
so much anger that i want to rip your balls out.


i'm officially on strike. what kind of strike? that i dont know. its simply times like these that i need a smoke. and then i go and bang my head against the wall to stop the temptation.
thats exactly what i need. to get rid of the temptations. such as the temptation to rip someone's balls out.

its been so long since i've talked to you. that i dont know what is going on in your life anymore. but you didn't see fit to tell me either. i dont know who i am to you. and i'm pretty sure that i dont want to know either. because i'm sick of being used by you. i'm sick of being hurt by you.
simply put. i'm sick of you.


so i'm feeling messed up like i always do. which makes me feel like crying. school doesnt seem to be helping at all as well. i dont know why. suddenly i'm feeling sick of everything.


just because you can't be honest with me.


i'm on strike from you. thats all i know. dont pretend to be a friend when i know that you want nothing to to with me. its been a year. i should be done crying. but i'm not. so just let me be for a little while more.

Love.

What does it mean to love someone? It was the first question that came to my mind when this was the topic for my article. I’ve been told so many times the definition of love but somehow, I still don’t understand what that term means.

So according to the dictionary, love is a very strong affection or a passionate attraction and desire. Although I would very much believe that the second means lust.

This is my stand of love; a decision. Why? Take a married person for example. I’m sure there is a strong sense of affection in the beginning when they were newlyweds. But for most couples, affection dies down as the marriage goes on for maybe ten or twenty years (not including divorced couples). How do they keep the marriage going when their strong sense of affection simply becomes affection? They decided to stick by each other through thick and thin. A vow that they made when the first got married. They decide to be there for each other even though they irritate each other into hell. When you see an old couple at sixty holding hands, which totally warms my heart to see them like this, you know that they decided to stay by each other until the grave with the affection they started out with forty years ago when they first got married.

But what is love without trust?

There are many kinds of love. For lovers, friends, family, God and many others. And love like this, all depend on a simple theory and foundation called trust. You know what you really love that person when you trust that person with your life. That’s what I like to believe. I would like to believe that when I get married and fifty years down the road, I’ll kiss my other half on the lips even if we’re wrinkled to the bone or holding hands in the bus so that we won’t lose each other. That would be the sweetest kind of love.

So tell me, what is love to you?

reasons why i dont like being home.
where families feel more like ememies.

i feel so out of touch.
i have no idea why.
so out of the world that i seem to have created my own.

forgive me for thinking too much.

i can't get into the internet, so i'm doing this on notepad first.

i went to vist my father again yesterday and he finally got his last rite. another sign to say that he's going to leave soon. honestly speaking, i can't stand to see him now. simply because he's so thin.

now the funeral and the wake is in the talks now. and i know how i'd like him to be sent off. as a daughter, its the least i can do him right? it wont matter what the other family members might say. if they're not going to come up with the money. i can do this on my own. i'm not working so hard for nothing you know?

so the past few nights i've been praying to God. asking him t give me the strength i need.its better this way. maybe losing a father makes me grow up faster. and it might bring me closer to reality.

i've told some people of the plans. plans of the funeral. and everything else. because i know that these people will be there. and they will stand by me. no matter what. if claire told some people then i wouldn't know.

its all going to happen soon. and somehow. maybe it just hasn't set in. its all about getting trhough it.


forever is awfully long.



sher, cheer up. the world isn't over alright?
I STILL LOVE YOU.

bad stuff just keeps piling up.
i hate this. serious.

i think i look a little worse for the day. considering that i slept at three plus.


i had my dose of happy pills last night when someone was being so merciful to say that i have no compassion. sorry that i'm still bitter about this.


i was talking to Shabin last night after so long. we were bring ominous and talked about death and i told him that i didn't want to die old because i dont want to look old when i went to heaven. and then he scolded me. and then he had his version of heaven where you're at the gates and you meet St Peter, you'll be asked a very simple question. "What age would you like to be?" and you'll automatically be that age. and he has the whole idea that heaven has wireless and GPS so that when you want to look for someone, look at you mobile phone, switch on the Gps and you can find Joan of Arc. ain't that the coolest.
i'm still waiting for you to be on the cover of Men's Health.


Jared and i were talking online until two in the morning. that boy is a busy boy. currently in two bands. LOC and Midnight Run. i think MR sounds cooler than LOC (life of controversy). he said that two is the most he'd go. but i told him no! because he'll be in INTAGLIOS. haha. my band. we'll be famous. i know we will.


i'm going to make myself feel better. i'm going to keep my chin up. and not let words bring me down. cause i have dunfu to protect me from verbal abuse. and real family to back me up.


i neer understand how people blog in short forms sometimes. that i can never understand what on earth they're talking about.
ROFL!

SIMPLY IF.

if i were a month i would be:
February (cause its the shortest month of the year.)

if i were a day of the week i would be:
Saturday. (permanent weekend.)

if i were a time of day i would be:
Midnight.

if i were a direction i would be:
Lost.

if i were a piece of furniture i would
be:
Bed.

if i were a sin i would be:
Lust.

if i were a historical figure i would
be:
Jack the Ripper.

if i were a liquid i would be:
VODKA!

if i were a tree i would be:
CHRISTMAS TREE! so everyone would decorate me and make me look really pretty.

if i were a flower/plant i would be:
Black rose. (my favourite)

if i were a kind of weather i would be:
Winter.

if i were a musical instrument i would
be:
Tambourine. (shake it!)

if i were an animal i would be:
Black Panther.

if i were a color i would be:
Purple!

if i were a vegetable i would be:
Capsicum?

if i were a sound i would be:
Laughter.

if i were an element i would be:
Water.

if i were a car i would be:
Mini Cooper!

if i were a song it would be:
the ones that make people happy and cry at the same time.

if i were a movie i would be directed
by:
Marie Antoinette.

if i were a book i would be written by:
Katie MacAlister.

if i were a food i would be:
CHOCOLATE.

if i were a place i would be:
a wanterfall.

if i were a material i would be:
SILK.

if i were a taste i would be:
sour?

if i were a scent i would be:
apples!

if i were a word i would be:
intaglios.

if i were an object i would be:
sauna.

if i were a body part i would be:
the eyes.

if i were a facial expression i would
be:
content.

if i were a cartoon character i would
be:
ROGUE.

if i were a shape i would be a:
circle. (cause i'm round and fat)

if i were a number i would be:
8



I GOT THIS QUIZ THING FROM SHERYL WHO STOLE IT FROM FRIENDSTER.



i was crying like mad.
but sher and jared made me feel on top of the world again.

thank you.

its alright if you think that i have no compassion.
i'm used to it.
being labeled as a horrible daughter.
not filial.
just because i didn't visit him.

i get insulted because i didn't make time to visit him.
because you see it only in your point of view.

treat others on how you like to be treated.
i based my life on this moral.
cause it was instilled in me.
if he treated me like a daughter.
if he was ever a father to me.
i'd go through hell to be with him.

you've never been in my shoes.
so dont say that i have no compassion.
if you dont know the real reason.
keep your words to yourself.

because they hurt.


i dont forgive because there is nothing to forgive.
not anymore.
i have to study and work.
to get by.
but you won't understand.
because i lack compassion.

you honestly think that it doesnt hurt me to see him like that?
i dont talk to you.
so you dont know what is going on in my mind.
so dont pretend you do.

so say what you want to say.
i may be cut from your words.
but it will all be over soon.
because his days are numbered.
and i wont have to bear with the discrimination any longer.


i'm not cold,
and i'm not heartless.
i dont want to see him like this.
because it pains me.

becuase hes' still my father.
and because i love him.


you own understand what we went through.
to get to where we are.
12 years ago.
we didn't need him.
12 years later.
we dont need it still.

i help my mother to support the both of us.
and in the end.
i'm getting the blame for not visiting him.
money doesnt come from the sky.
we work hard for what we need to survive.

so dont say anything about me.
especially what you dont know.

i got a new wallet.
so i dont have to carry my gold purse all over the place with more and more coins.

dunfu came over for dinner.
((=


so i went to visit my dad.
got openly insulted.
so what am i to do?
i'm just taking it in.
until one day they realise that what i've been through.
is nothing compared to what imagined.



so you;
i have nothing to say.
your actions?
leave me speechless.
your words?
they still hurt.
but it wont matter anymore.
i'm over it.

i'm not sure if i still want you here.

LIES FOR A LIAR

you're a liar and nothing in the world can ever change that.
just when i thought i could be the one to change you.

they can persuade you.
but when i needed you and my father dying, couldn't persuade you enough?

thats nice.


your lies.
im over it.

all i want is to hear your voice.
but if i said that its going to end.

it is.

BOTH THEIR LIVES FLASHED BEFORE THEIR EYES.

my father is going to die.
or so they say.
his days are numbered.

how do i feel?
honestly?
i'm prefectly fine.

honestly.
i prefer him to pass on faster.
because as a good daughter, i would want him to suffer less.
for him to pass on in the least painful way possible.
but some people might want to argue with me saying that i should be by his side and journey with him through his numbered days.
i can't imagine him like that.
you know what i mean?
he's supposed to be healthy as any 53 year old man might be, talking rubbish and able to do what he wants to do with a metal leg.
not a man who is skinny, sickly, with greyish skin tones and on his deathbed.
i'd like to keep a healthy image of my father in my mind.
thank you very much.


the reason why i dont want to see him?
is because i dont want to hate him more if i hear what he has to say.
and i dont want it to come to a point where i cannot forgive at all.
like i said.
i'd prefer to keep a good image of him in my mind.
maybe its also because i dont want to let go.
after all he's still my father.


if anyone asks me if i'm okay one more time.
i'm going to punch that person and break his or her nose.
trust me.
if anyone knows me.
its my most hated question.

he's my father.
and i love him.
so stop telling me what to do.
i'll do what i need to do when i'm ready.
just dont push me.
its not going to make the regret any less.


jesus take the wheel.
take it from my hands.
cause i cant do this on my own.
i'm letting go.
so give me one more chance.
to save me from this road i'm on.
jesus take the wheel.

the internet in school has got me into a pissy mood.

trust me.
i feel like whacking something.

you can't just leave me.


so i've decided on a drink.
apple cinnamon latte/ice blended.
cause i got the inspiration from yummy apple cinnamon muffins.
i love eating them.

you dont have to say, what you did.

and i've learnt, that when guys have wet dreams.
they ejaculate.
if thats how you spell it.
and its damn funny.
imagine if you do that.
then when you wake up in the middle of the night after the dream.
you'll have to clean yourself up.
thats so troublesome la!
and damn funny too.


and i never wanted to be further away from the length of your arms.


school's in.
and i'm pretty much gone.
nobody is listening to the faci.
so i guess applied chem is going to pass by me studying like mad.


hold me tight and don't let go.


and i realised that nothing has changed.
even though i had such a resolve to change whats going on.
i wont listen to empty promises.
but i can't help myself.
telling you once that i was out to get what i want without a conscience.
but then yours got in the way.
and in time.
mine did as well.
so i guess conscience is a pretty important thing.


a trophy wife, oh how cute.


i'm never going to be perfect for you.
but at least i've tried my best.
i wasn't the one who gave up.
i never got around to knowing you.
maybe thats why i chose not to go on.
maybe its better for us this way.


does it hurt to know i'll never be there?

its my fault.
everything i do is just simply my fault.

here i am.
trying to let you know who i am and how i'm like.
but you only see it your way.
that i'm complaining and i only care about myself.
i'm selfish.

if that were the case.
i wouldn't have left the house with you so as to go shopping with you in the first place.

but its alright.
you'll never understand.


cause i'm selfish.

what is mine is yours to keep.
in white houses.
and i hold on to secrets.
in white houses.

received a reality check.
maybe the reason why i can't love with all my heart is because its with someone else.


like how will turner told elizabeth swann.
"my heart has always been with you.
can you keep it safe for me?"

never again will i kiss you.
never again will i want to.
never again will i love you.



woah!
so my drinks failed like mad.
so.
lets just do a fruity ice blended.
with a little bit if coffee inside?

passionfruit?
pineapple?
watermelon?
i dont know?


HELP!

be petty for all i care, fiz.

if you can't take the sarcasm.
maybe its better if we're better off apart anyway.

cause we know nothing of each other to begin with.

spiced iced coffee milkshake?
banana passionfruit soy smoothie?
chocolate orange iced latte?
or tropical ice blended?


help me decide?

so my and mummy aren't talking.
okay.
just adds on to the list of people i'm not talking to.


a theme!
it feels like food and nutrition.
like the whole presentation and stuff.
but cooler.

i'm going of to town and read up on recipes on yummy cocktails that have coffee in them.
if only i can get my ass moving.

okay.
church later.
hope it all works out.

13 DAYS.

I NEED HELP.

CAN SOMEONE HELP ME THINK OF A SIGNATURE DRINK BY FRIDAY?
SOMETHING WITH COFFEE IN IT.

BY FRIDAY.

for my barista olympics.
pretty please with a cherry on top?

its just funny how everything just has to be about you.
maybe just for once.
you'd like to know that we dont give a rat's ass about you.

and there was once i'd actually call you my friend.
and to call someone my friend is something big.
if its anything i've learnt from all the camps i've been to.
friends are those you trust your life with.
and i know exactly who they are.
and i thank god for that.

come to think of it.
i dont want to talk about you anymore.
you're not worth me getting irritated over.


i wanted to put up the neoprints i took with SYAZ.
but i dont have a scanner to save my life.
so photos are out.
which makes me realise that this blog is so out of photos.
which is why i'm waiting for the ones at sentosa.

AMANDA!
WHEN AM I GOING TO GET IT?
OR WHEN IS ANY OF US GOING TO GET IT?


i'm in the midst of making a list soon.
and i do mean soon.

and hopefully i'll feel more organised after doing it.

• treasure everything that i have around me. FAMILY, FRIENDS and MY FAITH.
• give my best in everything that i do.
• go to school everyday.
• get my totally awesome GPA.
• stop wearing panties and start wearing boxers. (cause they are comfy)
• try not to get drunk when i turn 18.
• not to forget what i want to say halfway through my list.
• HOLD ON TIGHTER TO MY FAITH.
• save money.
• which means not spending so much.
• maybe its time to have a journey of self discovery.
• go to phillippines?
• to know what love is again.
• not to abandon my dance and my stories again.
• and i know i'll be famous! and marry orlando bloom!give as many hugs to the people i love as possible.
• not to let myself down and not to short change myself. i guess thats the most important thing.
• and to constantly remind myself that i will never be alone through the journey of infinite darkness.

i totally realised that i've done nothing to accomplish anything on my list that i've made before the new year.
how stupid can that be?

so i think i should add on to the list.

• make my scrapbook. (finally)
• SAVE MONEY.
• get to be close to my friends. (amanda, audrey, lexine, shabin, desmond. shermann.)
• lose my fats and get muscles.
• my stories!
• not to be in a relationship until i'm 21 (shabin made me promise him that)
• quit smoking. (almost there.)

i think thats about it.

so i'll leave for now.
until i wake up.



i miss you like mad.
i had an idea how to return you your book.
but i figured not to.
i've lost a friend.
cause now i hardly think of you.
but when i do.
emotions just take me away.



my livejournal is dead.

you're too far gone for us to even catch you.

we can put the name to a face but we dont know who you are inside anymore.
now its just us.
without you.

its doesn't affect me anymore.
you dont affect me anymore.



so go ahead and treat me as though i'm not there.
im used to it.
i like the feeling though.
i'm so over getting the attention that i used to like.
shermann says that its a good change.
i think so too.
i know it is.


i'm happy for desmond.
cause he made a profit.
i know he'd make a good cook someday.


maybe next year i'll have a stall of my own.
hopefully it does well.


i miss my best friend.
and my prince.
i promise i'll catch up with him soon.


barista olympics!
i'll be seeing you soon!
with all the training.
i hope it'll go well.

i promised people that i'd go to feast day today.
namely shabin, desmond and shermann.

but i just had to fall sick again.
i'm sorry i didn't get to try the krabby patties and the yummy pasta and the time spent with you all.
and i know that it only happens once a year.
my bad.

i'm feeling worse than sick right now.
i'm feeling guilty.


and i didnt expect the outcome of seeing him.

i'm sick and tired.
in every sense of the work.
i'm stopping work for now.

maybe then its time to mend some relationships that i have so carelessly left drifting.
maybe its time that i find my faith all over again and know what i truly believe in.

because i know its not him.
and most definitely not her.

maybe i've misplaced my faith and my trust.
which is why i ended up in this mess.

i dont want to attention.
i just want to be alone to sort things out.


i dont want to be close to you because i dont want to be hurt by you.


they say you can always find light at the end of the tunnel.
but i can't seem to find my way around.
and honestly?
i'm severely lost.
it would be nice with a little help or two.

and to think i called you my friend when you left me falling.


i know i can do this.
even though i have huge doubts about it.
maybe thouse doubts can fuel me to make myself a better person.
step one; stop smoking.
i think i'm getting there soon.
believe me.


i know that my feet are taking me to paradise.


let go of whats holding me down.
i know i can do this.
even though its at the crossroads now.
i know my faith will lead me to something better.


i don't want to stand for it anymore.
i'm not going to be friendly or nice.
i'm not even going to try either.
because i've tried too long and too hard.
you just pissed me off.
and lord knows what happens when i do.


why i left you.
was because mo matter how much i try.
i can't seem to get to you.
or understand you.
i don't get to know who you are.
and it makes me difficult to let you know who i am.

i'm officially broke.
with only 50 cents in my wallet.
and four bucks in my bank.
so tell me.
how am i to survive until my pay comes?


high of the day.
i got a new soft toy!
a new huge eeyore.!
and that made me happy.

after what happened the past few days.
something just had to happen to make it worse.

a fever yesterday that almost killed me.
and i was too weak to do anything.

i didn't mean it.
i swear.


you're my past.
my future.
my heart.
my everything.
my six in the morning when the clock rings.
when i open up my eyes to a new day.
you're my laughs.
my frowns.
my ups.
my downs.
its the feeling that you get when you know something's true.
when i think of love i think of you.

lost?
yeah me too.

so here's a list of what happened.

• i broke up with my boyfriend.
• almost got drunk on friday.
• i broke my promise of stop smoking.
• i'm am emotional wreck.
• i hate the song that is on radio now.

work later.
and hopefully i'll feel better.
in one way or another.

i dont feel important to you.
and i dont feel special to you.
you never told me how much i mean to you and it makes me doubt.

i lowered my pride to you.
i talked to richard.
and this is what you do to me?
you've hurt me for the last time.
because it will kill you to do something that will lessen you ego.

you've officially lost me.

oh.
i didn't realise it until now.

its really over isnt it?

right.
i returned the book.
i hope he got the message.

lexine and avlyn.
i hope you both can sit down and talk it out.
family is family after all.
you would know what you've lost until its gone.
i've lost varien.
i know.


pet accompanied me home.
i feel good.
she made me feel good after what happened in church just now.

church was good.
i must admit.
i miss the place.

it ends tonight.



<3 got himself sore eyes.
so mummy doesn't let me see him.
boo!


urgh. 15 hours of work later.
i better get my upgrade pay after this.
or i'll scream.

crying seems to be the easiest thing right now.
too much in my head and in my heart.

i'm not the strongest person to date.
just so you know.

I'M STILL PRAYING FOR THE WALLET TO COME BACK.
pictures are inside.
identification is inside as well.


but i'll still have to keep my chin up right?
and i dont even have a picture of that wallet.
you know how much this sucks?


anyway.
dunfu was early for once!
but he got pissed off after i told him something.
so cheer up alright?
I'M SURE YOU DONT WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN!